This entry is a little different
from the rest. Just a moment ago I realized that in all my previous entries the
chief focus has been on the research element of my studies and all the
mentioned struggles seem to be technical in nature. However, after doing some
bit of thinking I realized that many of us also sometimes undergo some phases
of trials/anxiety/moroseness etc. which add to the already existing violent magma
erupting from the research volcoano. And I wish to confess that it's happened with me too.
Mentioned below is a write-up I
wrote while going through one such phase, about 1-2 months back.
Before you read it I wish to
inform you that I am quite all right now and truly reflect the enthusiastic
mood of PhD Memoirs #4.
It's just that I had earlier thought of keeping this to myself but I guess I am now
okay with sharing it. The hope that people going through a hard time may be
able to identify themselves with my situation and hence hopefully draw some
inspiration to hold on and not give up, has finally won over my hesitation to
reveal some dim areas about my personal life.
By the way, I understand that
there would be many readers who probably won't face such situations and hence
probably this blog post may not be suitable for them. If you feel that way, you
can skip reading this further but you are always welcome to come back to this
post in case you do find yourself in (hopefully, mild!) trouble.
It hit him again - the phase of mildly violent confusion.
Some events of the day had triggered it again. And this time it was as intense
as it had been some time back. For the past couple of weeks he had managed to
avoid thinking about past events and even today, after the ‘events’, he had
remained calm and not let his mind overanalyze them. But by evening he felt his
mind’s fortress slowly getting reduced to rubble, brick by brick, by the very
cannon balls that he had himself hidden in some dark dungeon, which he realized
was ultimately vulnerable to being discovered by an army of such ‘events’.
After some time, when he realized that everything was
uncertain and there was nothing practical that he was capable of doing to
remove the uncertainties, he grew tired of it and tried to recall the good
arguments that made him stop over-thinking the matter. Yes, he recalled that
whatever that was happening was likely a result of some kind of neurological
disorder in the brain that people having gone through similar circumstances become
victims of, the dominant characteristics of it being (1) uncontrollable,
repeated playing of the disturbing memories in his mind’s television (2)
delusional nurturing of hopes built on (quite likely) inaccurate interpretation
of trifle events.
I need to give myself more time for things to get normal
again, he thought or at least hoped that was the case. He realized there were
some work-related urgent deadlines to be met. Maybe tomorrow if I fully immerse
myself in my work, things will get normal again, he thought. Before sleeping he
decided to repeatedly remind himself of his decision to focus exclusively on
his work the next day. After doing that he went to sleep.
To say that I got over this phase easily would be a
lie. But I eventually did. I suppose it won't do much good to mention what all
things helped me get over it since I guess it depends on situation to situation
but I think there are a few general things which helped:
1) Realizing that despite our best imaginations we really can
never know how things will turn out in the future, and hence it's quite
possible that we may find ourselves in a better position than the current
one.
It's turned out that way for me.
2) Embracing reality though perhaps with a lot of
inconvenience. This also means trying to assess the situation as objectively as
possible.
3) Gradually thinking less and less about yourself .
It humbles one to realize that there are people far worse off than you
are.
4) Seeking help from friends/family when it becomes too
unbearable to handle it on one's own.
Huh! Man... this post's turned out to be like one of those
'self-help' articles most of which I dislike a lot and try to stay away from!
But as I mentioned, I thought it was important to make the readers aware that
all graduate students are also human beings who live in a complex social
environment and thus, likely experience problems that other normal people do as
well. And I hope that they don't feel alone when they do.
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